31 May 2007

Disconsolate...

To: The Conscious Areas of Minds,

Subject: I hope you have the time...

Would it be reasonable to say there is a part of me which could be described as the following: beyond consolation?

If it is reasonable, then it would also be reasonable to say that my relationship with JT, amidst its contortions and disproportions has taken this part of me and shrunk it considerably.

I had quite a lot of time to myself yesterday, when I started to write this. With a lot of time comes a lot of thinking. Thinking leads to these ideas, revelations, all the sounds of the inner monologue finally getting their chance to be heard. Hearing the thoughts, I was avoiding or trying to forget is always, in a certain sense disappointing.

A feeling like completing a report, that I hated researching into and finally getting it submitted to notice there is a typo on the penultimate page, an irritation that doesn't quite qualify to raise the pulse; a let down that doesn't seem to cost. The satisfaction of completion like the removed making of smiles.

Here, am I coming for it, the talk of it, should it be? Oh, these days, we'll never come back, did you remember or did you forget? For every step, I take, worth every breath, I take, as I turn, into, everything I hate. There must be a reason, like there is for the changing of the season. Will I go on, who would miss me, just to carry on. Why should I pretend, honestly I'm losing, with every move, I make.

Where does the tongue come out of the cheek?

Version 1.0.2238.18810...

Credit: 95, Ric Stultz 2007

30 May 2007

Anger: Part I

I've been trying to figure out for almost two years why the hec I'm so angry all of the time. I really don't want to go through life always feeling frustrated and wishing I could kill some (one).

B chides me for my lack of patience... Yes he chides me. It has been suggested that this anger is something left from being divorced although that was almost three years ago now. Time enough to at least scab over the wounds. I don’t want this lack of patience to interfere with my relationship with B, or with myself, or with the people I interact with in the world.

It's quite frightening to have something that is such a barrier to relationship take such control.

Sums The Mood Really (Continued Further Still)...

Untitled, Uncredited 2007

Time Marches On...

I-129F Sent : 2007-01-24
I-129F NOA1 : 2007-02-14
I-129F RFE(s) : None
RFE Reply(s) : None
I-129F RFE(s) : None
RFE Reply(s) : None
Touched : 2007-04-3
Touched : 2007-05-01
Application Approved : 2007-05-03 !!!!!
I-129F NOA2 :2007-05-03
NVC Received : 2007-05-15
NVC Left : 2007-05-17
Consulate Received : 2007-05-23
Packet 3 Received : 2007-05-28 !!!!
Packet 3 Sent : 2007-06-11
Interview Date : 2007-07-15
Visa Received :2007-07-20
US Entry : 2007-08-06
Marriage : 2007-09-28 !!!!!

29 May 2007

She Has The Most Amazing Eyes...

I still remember the feeling of first seeing myself in them...

Keep On The Tracks...

A Different Portrait, BD 2006 [REVISION]

28 May 2007

2 Tens (Continued Further Still Again)...

Ten Things That Make Her Special

001. She is the smartest person I know.
002. She calls me honey, in this way no one else could.
003. She is as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside. (Yes, you are, you're cute too...)
004. She is more stubborn than a mule.
005. She lies to people about how nice I am.
006. She is fun.
007. She can roll her eyes at almost anything.
008. She makes me smile,
009. And look forward to the future, our future.
010. She helps me.

Ten Other Things That Make Her Special

001. She has the most loveliest eyes.
002. She is my bestest friend.
003. I like working with her,
004. Even when she bosses me around with big text in emails.
005. She is strong.
006. Yet, she is soft.
007. She impresses me.
008. She knows a lot.
009. She can put up with me.
010. I can't not mention that bum.

We're Different, We Talk Together, And When We Do I Don't Want To Stop...

Untitled, JT 2006

Beautiful, there is only one person I want to sit on a bench with, underneath the leaves talking about us, about the world and its sounds, about God and our life beyond life, there is only one person I would pray for, I would want to be held by, I would want to make love to, I would want to tell my inner-most thoughts to, I would let hold my soul, I would share my dreams with and that person is you.

You're my special, I love you.

27 May 2007

There Are Over 220 Varieties Of Potato...

I don't feel so good, maybe I'm coming down with something there's been a bug going around the work. I don't know what to take, for something wrapped around my heart. I should have called in sick, its just a lie I guess when life has hit a miss, and I really can't be bothered with wading through it all again. I try to tell you the truth and all I do is make you so mad.

Nobody really knows what goes inside anyone elses head, everything seems to be ok. You're not the same, you begin to know my insides as we grow, am I same as all those you know? Would you have talked to me if you had known? I know I let you down, I'm sorry I just want you to be proud. In this empty room, I feel so lonely, everyone keeps looking at me, I'm getting tired, I can only name seven varieties of potato.

Oh How Gods Own Zilla Laughed, Laughed And Laughed...

05.07.2007, DaveM

26 May 2007

Without Comparitive Ease...

Dig in for just one chance... - The Disease / Echo & The Bunnymen

The word endurance has never been demonstrated by a person around me.

...forget the band aids. If you won't let me in, just pass the safety pin...

I have yet to truly see another person endure. I have seen people give up, people scream and shout, people delete and destroy. I have seen people hang themselves or cut the primes of their life.

People can be dedicated and driven but its not the same, its not an endurance as I would hope endurance is; I have seen people try and fail, then just give up. I'm trying not to be one of those people, I believe and I hope JT is trying not to be one of those people. Enduring is a difficult thing to achieve.

We live in a place, the 2000's, whatever that is going to amount to and mingled in its insecurity and misguided open mindedness is this general facade of moral relationships which returns us to good and bad (evil), positive and negative, JT would call it a lack of altruism. I know where I lie in those groups, I know where I want to be.

Shadows take their toll, the wearer not strong like he used to be. Ready to erase himself. Take him away and he might say something different from if you send him away to a shadeless place to stay where he'd lay, wasting away.

It Means Something To Me...

Untitled, BD 2006

25 May 2007

Management Styles...

Don't use a big word, when a diminutive one will suffice...

4C-6F-76-65-20-3D-20-52-61-69-6E-62-6F-77-20-4C-69-6E-6B-73...

Untitled, BD 2007

X + Y = Z2 QED

24 May 2007

Highgate, Wearing Smiles With Mouths Shut...

I've seen a silence upon the face of a man, a man surrounded by a colourless cluster in a field of stone. A man with two straight narrow tears pulling their way down his flattened cheeks, a father of two who had not reached the height of his waist - his clean hands held; one to the right and one to the left. The volume of this arrangement, paused, a pain to the eyes, lingering soundless period muddled with an inability to understand why this is not a play time. A muted knell without saying goodbye, never to be seen again, parted a gift of a feeling that'll never shake and a wish to turn around to start again.

44-65-70-72-65-73-69-6F-6E-20-23-31-35...

Atmosphere, BD 2007

There Are Five Birds On A Tree...

...if one is shot, there are not four birds left on the tree.

23 May 2007

50-61-72-74-20-4F-6E-65...

Untitled, BD 2007

The Pin Didn't Drop...

...it came and crashed down.

22 May 2007

Stood Alone Here In This Colony...

FAC 126, Peter Saville

Bleeding Like The Wounded Do...

But then, lots of things should...

21 May 2007

Crumbles...

Outline Of Post-War New World Map, New World Moral Order 1942

20 May 2007

Grief

I waited all of your life for you to do those fun and whimsical and hard and fancy and wonderful things that I never did...

And then you left before I could see.

Ever Flower / Without Wilt...

Light Under Leaf, BD 2007 [REVISION]

My love for you is like a leaf that will not wither and words could never complete...

19 May 2007

Datassette...

In a place nothing seems to show, the feelings may seem to come and go and everything's so strange. Do people never change? Am I only, only one of you? Emotions are never truly known, they talk though what I show, its easy to let you glow but what's left to come shouldn't be torn and thrown. You have turned into my song and everything feels, no longer wrong, there's so much more to see and what's past is surely meant to be.

I Don't Think Of Titles Before The Post Is Written...

Coloured Light Projections, Rob And Nick Carter 2006

18 May 2007

King's Cross The Day She Derailed...

This story is a sad one, the sort that you hear all the time. If I bore you with the details, it might even open your mind. It's the tale of a young girl who once was the talk of the town. The first time I saw her, her skin was so thin on her bones. Her eyes, they were lost on that street although she called it a home. So I thought, can I save her? Can I get her out of harms way? And she looked at me with those eyes, so what could I say? I said, whats your name and she said you're all the same so I said don't act so strange, I only asked your name. The stars in the night sky she'd only seen once in her life. She said, what become, of my promised fame? All I got was shame and then she said, you're all to blame and then her eyes, said, don't you leave me standing on my own, can't you see the streetside is no home, I'm held at night but still I'm cold, I feel so lonely, so, but I'm not alone? She had hair had like willow tree choked at the side of the road. Cardboard boxes for pillows, she weeps as she reaps what she sows. So I asked her, if one day she'd mind joining me in my grave. You know, like them big ones with the family name. But she said I don't know if I have any soul to save. She said, why do you care? So I said, cause I did, ever since I saw you standing there, while I couldn't help but stare. Then her eyes said don't leave me standing here on my own. She must have had the most lonely face I've ever known...

Today At Work...

2 Tens (Continued Further Still)...

The Last Ten Posts I Wanted To Get A Bit Of Attention

001. Served As Deserved...
002. 6-62...
003. Beautiful, You Are My Special...
004. When Night Comes, From Above Towns Just Look Like Circuitboards...
005. Nice Things About B:...
006. Need Or Want...
007. A Moment So Moving Goes Straight To Your Heart, A Condition Thats Never Been Met...
008. Twelve Lines...
009. 4 ÷ 5 = ...
010. Warmth: Warming My Inside Pouring Like Syrup...

Ten Things That I Hope To Do With Just Thinking

001. See all 50 states...
002. And buy a trinket from each one.
003. Date her at least once a week.
004. Build our house, just the way we want it.
005. Continue our business, in growing prosperity.
006. Learn how to dance with her.
007. Make our own traditions.
008. Make a past and dream a future.
009. Write and publish a book.
010. Help her heal and make her happy.

17 May 2007

Dreams: Back To Little Things...

Remeber When You Spoke About Brie, BD 2007 [REVISION]

Pouring Like A Lover Should Do...

I don't mind, as long as you're with me and I'm with you... - The Ponys / I'm With You

I Don't Think She's Knows How Much I Love Her...

You Have My Heart Even While We Are Apart, BD 2007

Another Type Of Revision...

Does the moon signal night time?
Under moonlight you're my lifeline,
especially-
while I am going for gold.
Take the smile,
its the result of your time.
The dark swallowed me,
tenfold-
you guided me blind again.
You are my best friend.

16 May 2007

Goldenly One...

Through Plasa Red, Rob and Nick Carter 2007

Løv...

He's had a trial run on paper.

15 May 2007

Popular Culture, No Longer, Applies To Me...

Small Spectrum Circle X, Rob and Nick Carter 2004

It Began When She Was Told She Wasn't Much Of A Sinner, Something In That Told Her She Was Missing Out...

Vitiate.

14 May 2007

88...

2 Tens (Contined Further)...

Ten Post Titles That Never Were

001. If You Want To Be Late, The Best Thing You Can Do Is Get Lost On The Way...
002. People At Their Houses Or Persons At Their Homes...
003. Cover The Cost...
004. I Could See His Hands, They Were Touching You All Night...
005. 2973 Or Medellin, Byelorusskaya Metro, Podujevo Bus, Chechnya, Hebron Sniper, Hamas, Dolphinarium, FARC, LTTE, Sbarro, Zeevi, Lima Embassy, Passover Massacre, Bojaya, Culver City, Victory Day in Kaspiisk, Jaunpur, Naxalite, AUC, Rafignaj...
006. Think About It Carefully, Go Back To The Beginning...
007. I Hate My Dreams When You Are With Someone Else...
008. Resist The Risk...
009. Judge Each Other, Just Not In Black And White...
010. Far Too Slow To Make It Stop...

Ten Post Titles That Never Were Either

001. The Time Is 17:17...
002. He Wanted It Now And She Wanted It Soon...
003. Feel It In Your Hearts, Pity...
004. Intermission...
005. And The Authorities Weren't Pleased...
006. Your Eyes Are So Big When They Are Close...
007. It's What We Like...
008. Happy Ending Or A Broken Heart...
009. Featureless...
010. The Mornings Arrive As The Nights Fall Down...

Blue Monday...

FAC 73, Peter Saville

13 May 2007

8287661079...

I think about this world a lot...she is, so beautiful, I look at her and I see the beauty of the light of music... - REM / You Are The Everything

Pulaski...

Untitled, BD 2007 [REVISION]

I'm Getting Tired Of Life, We've Realised There's No Going Back...

Evolution, as good as any story told?

Act One
I Hear You Are Getting Into Zen And You Have A Buddhist Friend
Act Two
The Day Had Gone And I Hadn't Begun
Act Three
Everyone Says She's Lazy, But They're Crazy She's A Winner
Act Four
My Heart Sings, Bury Me Darling, It's Like Mystic Energy, Coming Over Me
Act Five
This Boy Has Got Wind And I Don't Think It's Funny
Act Six
Have You Seen How He Jokes And Smiles, Yet Sleeps Like A Child
Act Seven
I Was Abstract In Mind, That Decision Was Mine
Act Eight
This Is Your Disguise, You Better Believe It, No-one Will Grieve For It
Act Nine
Feed The Human Nature, Lead The Life God Gave You
Act Ten
If You Want To Fit In, Get A Salary
Act Eleven
Got My Papers And My Ticket For The Train, To Anywhere
Act Twelve
Who Are These People? They're Too Stupid To Be Your Real Parents
Act Thirteen
Wake, Grow, Certificates, Wild Parties, Suits, Under The Weather, Babies, Marriage Divorce, Take It Or Leave It, Back Down, Sleep, What's Hope For
Summary
The Spirit Of This Place Is Long Gone, I Looked Into Myself And All I Could See Was A Man

12 May 2007

The Links Never Fade In My Eyes...

Mag Multi-Coloured VII, Rob and Nick Carter 2005

How Do You...

Tell the most amazing special beautiful intelligent wonderful dreamy intoxicating sexy hot hot perfect woman in the world what she can't / doesn't want to hear, that you love her, she is these things and she is your best friend, that the days wouldn't be complete without her interactions and so on?

11 May 2007

Not Parallel And Nonpareil...

I don't like you today, good call...

I Got Wasted Again...

Untitled, BD 2006 [REVISION]

10 May 2007

Don't you love jumping in puddles?

The Missouri River is expected to reach levels approaching the Flood of 1993 in some places.

Heavy rains of three to five inches to the northeast that continue to fall, along with saturated soils, are contributing to record and near-record projections, according to the National Weather Service.

Water levels in Boonville are expected to flood some roads and potentially the Missouri-Pacific railroad track on the south side of the river.

M.L. Cauthon, Boonville’s director of public works, said the when the river reaches 21 feet, there will be flooding in low-lying areas. But when the levels reach 30½ feet, streets are expected to flood.

“There’s not a lot we can do,” Cauthon said. “We are taking an inventory of supplies, counting sand bags, that sort of thing.”

“Projected flooding is going to be as bad as 1993,” said Susie Stonner of the State Emergency Management Agency.

However, she said steps have been taken since the flood in 1993 to decrease property damage. Fifty-four communities and about 4,500 land owners participated in a land buy-back program that turned high risk areas into parks, recreational fields and farm land.

For more information, go to the National Weather Service’s Web site at www.riverwatch.noaa.gov/missouri.shtml

Somethings Are Ready Steady Going Before Others...

Untitled, BD 2006 [REVISION]

Who Do I Think I Am...

Those things you lead me to believe until you ask me that...

And Now Time For Something Completely Different (Yet Again)...

Dogmatix, Uderzo

09 May 2007

The Long Or Short...

Birth and growth. Finish school. Find a job. Working from,
9 to 5. Get married. Have children. Living life. Part blind. It's a bank holiday,
Lets drive to,
The seaside. Sunbathing. Slot machines. Fish and chips. Changing times. New year again. Lets make,
Resolutions. Replace all your,
Bad traits.
With healthy,
Solutions. Living and its illusions...

Bittersweet #3...

Campbell MacKay & Stewart, BD 2007

08 May 2007

Je Vais Apprendre Le Français...

Puisqu'il n'y a aucune valeur par écrit en anglais...

'Might' - Heaven Knows...

FAC.33, Peter Saville

07 May 2007

Checking In

Yes I'm still around... I'd write more often but I really hate that new blogger log in with the googlemail account. Plus, much to B's dismay I used OUR googlemail account instead MY OWN. So now our comments don't get emailed properly. I've been very busy at work and then after work B and I work on our side projects. We've started up our own little business and we're getting customers! You'd think that was good until you try to squeeze other people's projects into the time you barely have for your own. I just got through one of the annual fundraiser's at work... can the world stand another something or other Walk? So after next week's Board meeting things will chill out a bit. We've got notice back on our visa application... it's made it across the pond (almost) and after that we'll have about a hundred more days (on the long end) til B can come over and make an honest woman of me. The path has been long indeed. I've taken up church again as of late, and I'm feeling much much better. I might be able to make a full recovery from the ailing spirit I've been suffering since my last divorce. I'll be ship shape to start up a real life with B in no time. I'll get more disciplined about writing... see you soon.

It Seems Like A Long Time Since I Posted About Our First Stages And Bonding...

A Different Lattice, BD 2006 [REVISION]

On Being Bestest Friends (Stages: Best Friends Continued)...

If I had to only have one friend, ever. I'd trade all my beans for that one friend to be you.

Your magic beans, mean-
at least you'll always have one giant friend.
The ground is so proud just to hold us up.
We're a kiss away from being dangerous,
kiss me and show me that it's true...
- The Long Winters / Clouds

06 May 2007

Links In Sinew...

Links #1, BD 2007

Served As Deserved...

I want to speak, how about you can want to listen up?
There is no time, yet you feast your eyes.
I got wasted.
Wanting it all,
but the world won't give it up.
What's your weapon of choice?
- Black Rebel Motorcycle Club / Weapon Of Choice

Bittersweet #2...

Nairn & Spey, BD 2007

Requests / Working Overtime...

I was writing a letter without knowing the words...

I'm Going, You're Just...

Untitled, Peter Saville

It's not heavenly... - Nick Cook

Negative Feelings, Prescribed...

After seeing much more than the change in the weather, sitting in a uniform of the three-piece suit and ribbons from his past. Looking for a little boy at the bar with the mouth, the kind who thinks they're clever now, dreaming of the day that he got home from a war to his childhood sweetheart. He told the people there was only ever one and he missed how she sounded; his frowns lines, they tell of how he held her up and she put him down. While he steps off trains and collects medals he's not looking for a face in the crowd. Now he don't need anyone, there's no one there for him, just a feeling of an empty place, that deters eating. He was a member of a dying breed that sat to wait and return as it all just fell apart. Thinking of a day, that is, oh so long ago, that he can't remember right - when a man could still be a man and be proud to use his heart...

05 May 2007

Positive Feelings, Hazard...

Fractions Fractured...

United fronts...

6-62...

Let Men Burn The Stars, BD 2007 [REVISION]

It is my earnest hope - that from this solemn occasion a better world shall emerge out of the blood and carnage of the past, a world found upon faith and understanding, a world dedicated to the dignity of man and the fulfillment of His most cherished wish for freedom, tolerance and justice. - General Douglas Macarthur

2 Tens (Continued)...

Ten Words

001. Mangled
002. Deacon
003. Substance
004. Elevation
005. Regal
006. Desist
007. Trepidation
008. Audio
009. Paradigm
010. Cogitate

Ten Definitions

001. Chair of incorporation
002. Alarm
003. Sound portion
004. Typical example
005. Mull over
006. Not in the form intended
007. Decide not to
008. Underlying worth
009. Which is raised
010. Imperialist

Bittersweet #1...

McLeod, BD 2005 [REVISION]

04 May 2007

The Spirit Of This Place Is Long Gone, I Looked Into Myself And All I Could See Was A Man...

In summary 'creation science' is a contradiction in terms. A central tenet of modern science is methodological naturalism - it seeks to explain the universe purely in terms of observed or testable natural mechanisms. Thus, physics describes the atomic nucleus with specific concepts governing matter and energy, and it tests those descriptions experimentally. Physicists introduce new particles, such as quarks, to flesh out their theories only when data show that the previous descriptions cannot adequately explain observed phenomena. The new particles do not have arbitrary properties, their definitions are tightly constrained because the new particles must fit within the existing framework of physics.

In contrast, intelligent design theorists invoke shadowy entities that conveniently have whatever unconstrained abilities are needed to solve the mystery at hand. Rather than expanding scientific inquiry, such answers shut it down. How does one disprove the existence of omnipotent intelligences? Intelligent design offers few answers. For instance, when and how did a designing intelligence intervene in life's history? By creating the first strand of DNA? The first cell? The first human? Was every species designed, or just a few early ones? Proponents of intelligent design frequently decline to be pinned down on these points. They do not even make real attempts to reconcile their disparate ideas about intelligent design. Instead they pursue argument by exclusion that is, they belittle evolutionary explanations as far-fetched or incomplete and then imply that only design-based alternatives remain.

Logically, this is misleading: even if one naturalistic explanation is flawed, it does not mean that all are. It does not make one intelligent-design theory more reasonable than another. On lookers are left to fill in the blanks for themselves, and some will undoubtedly do so by substituting their beliefs, religious or otherwise for scientific ideas.

Time and again, science has shown that methodological naturalism can push back ignorance, finding increasingly detailed and informative answers to mysteries that once seemed impenetrable: the nature of light, the causes of disease, how the brain works. Evolution is doing the same with the riddle of how the living world took shape? Creationism, by any name, adds nothing of intellectual 'value' to the effort.

A man looking in the mirror might ask himself, why isn't evolution just accepted as part of the creation?

03 May 2007

Donkey...

Cover, Uncredited

02 May 2007

Beautiful, You Are My Special...

I've found something,
I can't explain in words.
Well, at least, none I've heard.
And even if I could,
I don't know who would care.
There is something strange,
about seeing your light echo in my ear.
I could look into the sky,
and I can see you in the pale blue.
Those people that we knew,
whoever they might be.
I bet, old or new-
I will never feel this again.
The saddest thing of all,
is even read, with those brightly coloured lips;
these are my only words.
But, beautiful you're my special.

What Does He Mean...

Justice, Uncredited 2006

What Does She Mean...

Because we are special and beautiful and unique, you are a wonderful person... - Just Thinking

01 May 2007

The Cool Of The Night Feels Relieving...

Alternate Reaching, BD 2006

No Chapter...

Your worst enemy, he reflected, was your nervous system. At any moment the tension inside you was liable to translate itself into some visible symptom... - George Orwell / 1984

Stages: Pulling Together...

True Lover's Knot, Uncredited

Knotted...

I'm not someone you hate, but someone you'd turn the phone off for...