Musings

Birthdays often bring me into a reflective state. Contemplation of my life, my goals, my acheivements, my failures, my hopes, my dreams, my fears. To me, September is the beginning of the new year.

Autumn brings that one last heating, a lazy blooming of seeds planted late in the year, golden air gently cooled by the coming freeze. The monarchs fly and the leaves drift into waves of gold and red. There is new energy brought by relief from the heat to ready for growing fat in slumber. The last work of the year will be done soon.

The ghosts of the past drift near and during this time I am best able to see them, and hear them, without withering before them. Likewise the voice of God grows more clear and I can experience new learning and enough renewal to survive the dark cold.

I am 35.

My life has not been what I imagined it would be. I have not developed yet into the person that I want to be. Years of 'indiscretions' have worn my center to a shine in some places. The next five years will close the first major cycle in my life... the cycle within which all these small cycles over the years have occurred. My children grow out of my house, to make their own choices and mistakes. I hope they fare better than I did.

Most of things I thought I should do by now I have done. Barely. I truly came to the other side of the circle this last year. And now here, have shared wonderful moments with B. I so want our shiny little spark to burn so bright and hot that it consumes us, consummates us.

But some days I just feel tired. Tired of struggling with time and distance. Tired of feeling almost alive. Some days I just wish I could drift away in the shining light, warm, soft, calm.